I am 7 months into my burnout. When first attempting to wrap my head around Autistic burnout I was shocked to learn that it could take anywhere from a few months up to years to recover, while some Autistics never fully recover. I decided to give myself three months of rest, in the hope that I would bounce back and be able to find another job in the art world in London. Potentially one that was more suited to my needs. Three months passed, but the brain fog was not letting up. I felt my brain had decided to go on strike. I struggled to do the very minimum. Tasks that required multiple steps felt overwhelming. Putting my thoughts and feelings into sentences was exhausting. The experience was debilitating and my lack of energy or information to explain what was happening to the people in my life was extremely isolating.
I spent my time painting and researching Autism, web3, and NFTs, in the hopes that engaging in my special interests would recharge me. However, my mind was stuck on loop. It went something like this: I wasn't getting better. I needed more support, but that meant moving away from London and abandoning the life and career I had just spent the last four years building. And I couldn't accept it. So, I would start back at square one - I wasn't getting better. I needed more support, but that meant moving away from London and abandoning the life and career I had just spent the last four years building.
One evening as I was reading Joe Dispenza’s Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself something I had read triggered a memory of an experience with Magic Mushrooms I had back when I was 18. I was inexperienced at the time and had ingested quite a large dose. I experienced what felt like a sort of amnesia. I could not remember who I was, where I was or recognise my boyfriend who I was with at the time. Looking back, I wish I had been more intentional in my use of psychedelics and have since learnt a lot about the importance of set and setting, but this was all unknown to me at that early age. I was curious if this was a common experience for autistics on Psilocybin and googled “Psychedelics and autism” and found Aaron Paul Orsini’s book Autism On Acid: How LSD Helped Me Understand, Navigate, Alter & Appreciate My Autistic Perceptions. I quickly devoured it and read his second book Autistic Psychedelic: The Self-Reported Benefits & Challenges of Experiencing LSD, MDMA, Psilocybin & Other Psychedelics As Told By Adults Navigating Autism, Asperger's, Depression, & Other Conditions. Hearing about the experience of multiple autistics was deeply impactful, so I reached out to Aaron with my story and to tell him about the link I was seeing between Dispenza’s work of rewiring the brain and psychedelics' ability to do something similar. I began attending his weekly Autism Psychedelic Community meetings. I will dedicate an entire entry about how impactful attending these meetings has been for me, but I cannot recommend them enough. There is something uniquely powerful in finding like-minded people who can relate to your struggles and triumphs. After a few meetings, I had a sense that I wanted to explore psychedelics again in a more intentional way. To prepare for this I wanted to do some therapy and asked Aaron for some guidance. He referred me to Maria.
Maria is a transpersonal and sensorimotor trainee psychotherapist based in London. We worked together for 6 weeks. This is an experience that I will go into greater depth about another time as it was instrumental in helping me understand that I could shift the perspective of my narrative. This move from London, away from my past goals did not need to be considered a failure. A shift of perspective and i
t was an opportunity to create a life that was much more suited to me.
After these 6 weeks, the universe allowed me the opportunity to be in relationship with mushrooms and my path of self-healing began. I experimented with Psilocybin, while at first, it was an enjoyable way to be creative and take a little break from the stress of my situation, it began to have a much more profound effect. Rather than feeling powerless that my life was falling apart before my eyes, I began to see that the life that was falling apart was not suited to me. The idea of having to leave my life in London morphed from being something too painful to look at, into being an opportunity to pursue my passions in a more healthy and sustainable way. The concepts that Maria had opened my eyes to were no longer just words but began to feel true. With this new perspective, I was free to examine how my rigid thinking patterns were limiting me and causing quite a bit of pain. Finally free to accept the situation without judgement, enabled me to see that this was an opportunity for positive changes that were more aligned with my holistic health.
Considering the stress I was under to heal quickly, it's no wonder those initial three months were not particularly restful. The following two months I spent getting back in touch with myself. Painting, but this time, without any pressure about if they were any good. I journaled extensively, questioning all the rigid thought patterns I had accumulated that no longer served me. I went out for walks and spent afternoons in the park. I began to feel less afraid of the world around me.
Joe Dispenza’s work came back to mind. The first time I read his book the meditation practice was too intimidating to take on. Despite practicing Transcendental Meditation on and off since 2016, the idea of meditating for an entire hour a day was daunting. However, as I was taking a low dose of mushrooms consistently to promote neural plasticity, I felt it was essential to pair that with a meditation practice focused on rewiring the brain. As Dispenza writes: “Nerve cells that no longer wire together, no longer fire together...” And “Fire and wire a new mind and recondition the body...”
This meditation practice has been life-changing for me and, in an unexpected twist, began healing and nurturing my inner child. More about that another day.
Lastly, I listened to several podcasts in which Wim Hof speaks about the benefits of cold immersion therapy and how it can lead to tonic changes in autonomous brain mechanisms, which positively affect conditions such as mood and anxiety disorders. So, I began to incorporate daily cold showers.
These practices gave me a framework to be much more intentional in my use of psychedelics to heal from my autistic burnout. I now live in Denver and continue my meditation and cold showers daily. I have also picked up a few more healing practices, which I look forward to sharing more about another time. The universe continues to provide helpful hints and people along my path. I will be exploring the psychedelic therapy route in Denver. I will continue to write about my experience as a late diagnosed autistic female and my journey to get back in touch with my authentic self. Hopefully, this information might be helpful to others.